snap judgments

Look! Look on the cover! It’s the wives-slash-significant others of the Illuminati! Maybe we’ll get some back story on how they kept these REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE ignorant of the Illuminati meetings! Maybe we’ll get a coffee clatch of chicks catching up on what the heck this Illuminati’s been doing all this time. Maybe we’ll have some deeper story about doing it or family and how they affect what major decisions are made!

Or maybe we’ll get the Illuminati bitchin’ about their love lives.

Oh boy. From Doctor Strange asking “Is there any amount of yourself that you can give that is sufficient for a woman?! Is there?!” I knew this issue was gonna be a keeper. By the by, Xavier admits not not having found that answer (and he’s dated outside the species, says the rest of the gang, getting a Jerry Springer like ‘ooooh!’ from our studio audience) and our resident futurist complains about how hard it is for him to get him some. Black Bolt makes some… unfortunate gesturing, and then BAM! Namor.

Okay, remember how I said that this was going to be the Year of the Night Nurse? Did I even say that? Well, I thought it was going to be but, man, I was wrong. But in the right section of the alphabet as I can’t think of an appearance by Namor I haven’t liked yet and this is no exception. While Reed tries to commiserate about how hard it is to keep them wimmins happy, Namor says point blank what we’ve all known about Reed for years: he keeps Sue in a cage.

“She loves you completely,” he says. “But you met her, dated her, then you accidentally gave her powers that forced her into your tower. That tower is a cage, created by you for her. But she has come to terms with it. She still loves you… she’s not going to leave you.” Wow. “You should listen to me. You need to dedicate part of every day to her and your children. Every day.”

Ladies and gents, Namor tried to prevent a major disaster in Civil War from occuring with sound advice. Later, he punches Marvel Boy through a wall. Is there NOTHING that man can’t do?

Before they get on to this business though, Iron Man has to have the last word by swearing he can “top all of you” by admitting to sleeping with Madame Masque. Why does he suddenly blurt this out? She’s on the cover. And they need to make fun of the fact that Tony had sex with a female Doctor Doom.

ANYhow… we go back to Marvel Boy, in this case the Grant Morrison one who wants to declare war on Earth. He’s in prison right now, but the Illuminati want to nip this thing in the bud and while they pass on Namor’s idea to “beat the #$%@ out of him and teach him not to speak until spoken to”, they want the direct approach: Professor Xavier.

Yep, Iron Man tries to wheedle a mind wipe out of Xavier, who has to explain to Tony that he doesn’t do that anymore and exactly how complicated that kind of thing is. No, we don’t just force our will on others because we think it’s the right thing to do, Tony Stark.

It’s just such a weird start to the book that I’m sure has more meaning to it than how it begins, but the whole little ‘chuckle’ at the front and Xavier having to explain that no, changing people’s minds is not “all he does” because then mutants wouldn’t be so damned hated and feared now, would they?… it just took the wind right out of my sails.

And then it came to me; the clouds parted, angels sang and wise words rung in my ear.  You see, there was an issue similar (but much more jovial) to Doctor Strange lamenting his lot in life and all the things we struggle with seen through his eyes.  And it started with a beautiful splash with very important captions decorating the Alan Davis art:

“No matter how startling,” Stan says, “Everything you are about to see is a work of pure fiction.”

The idea that Tony Stark, futurist billionaire, needs to validate himself in a room full of the most powerful and intelligent men on the planet by admitting to sleeping with a facially scarred villainess?  Fiction.  The fact that he even brought out the moral decline of his character by suggesting they just mind control an adolescent alien instead of talking to him and coming to a more rational decision?  Fiction.  The fact that Doctor Strange needs to know how much of himself he has to give the woman he loves in order to make her happy when any chick magazine on the stands’ll tell you to love someone with all of your heart?  Fiction.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Marvel heroes for their flaws.  The human element is why I read these books and the fact that these brilliant men can’t find love because being so smart is nearly a hindrance to their own humanity… I get it.  I just don’t like it when they’re whiny about it.  Tony jumping in with his comment to “top you all” seems so out of character for a man who put this whole thing together, why is he trying to be the big dog in the yard?  Why is he down to “oh, just mind wipe him, it’s what you do, isn’t it?”

What’s wrong with Tony Stark?