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HEY EVERYBODY! – Preview Reviews for the Week of 7/25

You know, screw it.  If a US soldier can explode an entire city with the words 'God Bless America' on her lips and Peter Parker didn't see Spider-Man 3 where Aunt May plainly and patiently explains that Spider-Man doesn't kill... I can spoil a few books coming out this week.  All of these were written off the cuff as I read them over this weekend, in between work, work and more work.  It's preview reviews, everyone!  Fresh and snappy.

Amazing Spider-Man #542

And we start out with a grand speech from Kingpin with Black-Emo-Rage Spider-Man just stading there for two pages.  Apparently, the suit represents "a promise about all the things I said I would do and all the things I said I would never do...because doing so would destroy everything this suit stands for.  And that, you see, is why you're confused."  Damn right I'm confused.  Oh, the suit represents the Hero Spider-Man, so that's why he takes it off (woo!) to "kill" the Kingpin.  Oh Batman.  He kicks the ever-lovin' shit out of the Kingpin, and is there, ready to kill him at his lowest moment of having his his big butt handed to him surrounded by the criminal element by some nothing school teacher and then... Peter Parker pulls back, saying that when Aunt May dies, he's gonna come back and finish the job.  Oh, lookit me, big man kicking the crap out of someone who exploited my stupendously dumb acts during Civil War.

This serves as both a warning for the Kingpin and for everyone else in that prison thinking "Hey, I can look up Peter Parker in the phone book!".  He goes back and there are money complaints, all of which will probably be taken care of by Mr. Fisk next issue.  I mean, come on.

Annihilation: Conquest - Starlord #1 (of 4)

Four pages.  BAM!  You know who Starlord is, flaws and strengths as well as where he's at now.  Why can't all books be like this?  The Dirty Dozen in Space.  The book knows it and has no bones telling you to your face what you're about to read.  All the characters are introduced summarily, their mission dire (being put in the middle of the Phalanx to dismantle some potential 'seeds', thus preventing the Phalanx from spreading throughout the galaxy.).  It's got personality, action, some fantastic artwork and just the right touch of self-humor and redemption.  Once again, a Annihilation book meets all my expectations and gets me excited for what's to come.

Black Panther #29

Okay, really.  No more zombies.  The covers were cut and cool and now they're just obnoxious.   I think I figured out my oddity with Hudlin:  when I first read Black Panther, it was from Christopher Priest, so there was a level of 'taking things serious' with the book that I grew accustomed to.  I don't think this book is supposed to have some greater moral objective, some lesson for us all to learn, some deeper meaning.  It has a parental advisory on the front, but feels more like an all ages book and it would be fantastic as an all ages book.  Weird.  Anyhoo, this one brings you more adventure on a Skrull world in the Marvel Zombie universe (just, for the love of Pete, don't give it a number!).  People get eaten, Black Panther meets his other self, and the allies they had with the Skrulls are now zombies too.

Incredible Hulk #108

So, Rick Jones and Miek are kind of one in the same, okay, I'll buy that.  Even though Rick Jones kind of went on later to become a much deeper character than just 'the Hulk's sidekick' and helped a lot of other heroes, stopped a war...  We get a little in-the-wings moment pre-World War Hulk #2 with Miek and Rick Jones thinking in really big splash pages about the Hulk and their connection to him where we, the reader, are supposed to infer that they are very similar.  Well, in any case, whatever the motivation, Rick convinces Miek to do something about all this craziness instead of just going along with the plan to kill all humans.  Now, mind you, from what I remember about the Hulk's buggy chum, he might just get a couple blocks down the road, change his mind and go to what he was doing before, so... not really sure what we're supposed to be getting here, besides a lot of info for new readers on who Rick Jones is at the core of it all and how important Miek is to the story at large.  Eh.  I expected more from a Rick Jones appearance, but then again, I might not be the target reader for this book.

Iron Man #20

Meanwhile, the Hulk's just sort of smashing around, doing his thing and SHIELD is now under sub-director Dugan.  (Side note:  have I mentioned how weird it is to call this all World War Hulk when everything is happening in New York?)  Hulk shows up, talks to Dugan, finds out more about how it was an LMD who tricked him into space to start this whole mess and takes off, giving SHIELD a pass for now.  Dugan does the smart thing, takes two guys who've Hulkbusted before and gets the lamest ideas of either 'waiting this all out' since the Hulk seems pretty focused on his revenge or attacking now with nothing they can say for certain is going to do the job.  So their out of luck and that's when Dugan gets a secret message from Tony saying that if all this goes to hell, Dugan is to OPEN UP THE NEGATIVE ZONE and BLOW UP MANHATTAN.  He wants to destroy the Fantastic Four, himself, entire divisions of soldiers, heroes standing up for him, just to get at the Hulk.  It's Dugan's call on when to use this Doomsday Device.

I don't know any more.  On one hand, Tony's got a big brass pair to pull something like this to cover his own ass.  On the other, something that large a scale may stop the Hulk, but will ruin him personally.  If Speedball is a national enemy for being connected to the blast in Stamford, no one's going to trust Tony again after effectively nuking New York.  He may spin it, but there's got to be an end to all these lies.

Interesting stuff.

Mighty Avengers #4

Stop.  Stop, right now.  Go to your local comic shop, tell them you want this book off your pull sheets and that you'd prefer to collect it in trade instead.  Because this story arc is useless in 'floppy' format.  Ultron says she's going to destroy all humans, the team figures out that Ultron is merely going off of old plans and is nothing new under the sun despite appearances, and there's some empty fighting.  Though, at least it's not ninjas.  Really, that's about it.  Ares says he knows how to stop Ultron, but DOESN'T SAY HOW.  Just an epiphany, more fighting, maybe nuclear threat, end of book.  Now, if this was just chapter four in a six-chapter book, maybe it'd feel less empty because I sould see the pages ahead and get to the heart of the story... whatever it is.  I'm sure the thought balloons would still irk me, but at least the story would read a lot better.  Such a sad sad waste, I tells ya.

Wolverine #55

I'm sorry, guys.  I'm so sorry.  I didn't so much as read as flip through the pages really fast, avoiding all word balloons and occasionally stopping to wonder what Simone Binchi's next project is.  The man's really good, he just deserves a better story than this.  From what I can read without gouging my eyes out,  Wolverine and Sabertooth are connected since the dawn of time (or 'primordial ooze' as Logan puts it) and are all either descended or connected to someone named "Romulus".  He is at the top of the list of all 'feral' mutants and is the great manipulator and whatnot.  Sabretooth's gone wild and Logan has to take him out back to the woodshed, so he goes to <strike>Batman</strike> Cyclops to get the <strike>Kryptonite Ring</strike> <strike>Plot Device from Wolverine: Origins</strike> Masamune Sword.  Mutants with regenerative powers can't heal the wounds made by the Masamune Sword, so this should do the trick on ol' Victor Creed.  After some obligatory Cyclops/Wolverine tension (it's in the contract), Logan gets on a plan with Rahne and <strike>they go to Spain</strike> they talk up Romulus and how bad Creed is (he killed an unarmed girl!  OMG!!) and Wolverine goes back to where it all started, and chops off Creed's head with the magic sword at Silver Fox's old cabin.  Fresh out of Hot Topic, Wildchild shows up and explains that the whole reason Wolverine and Sabretooh have this big grudge (uhm, had, whatever) is that ONE IS BLONDE AND THE OTHER HAS BLACK HAIR.  Blah blah blah, different tribes, blah blah blah, curse you Romulus, into the night.

This has been a pretty murky and lousy storyline and I can't even get mad about it anymore.  At least it's over.

X-Men #201

Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight.  Some neat power tricks, more mysteries and just when you thought the Mauraders were enough, along comes Exodus and his crew.  Hey, if I want to read Shakespeare, I'll go to the library.  Entertaining, but not really fulfilling.  It's the pretzel of X-Books right now.  Endangered Species chapter five reveals that the Neverland (from the Weapon X series awhile back) was a real death camp horror story and Dark Beast was either in charge or was required to show in to keep up their last page reveals.

X-Men: First Class #2

So, if X-Men #201 is a pretzel, think of this as your healthy apple slice.  Now that's the book is an ongoing series, we get a two-part story (or so I surmise, maybe it'll be three) about the X-Men being sent by an absentee Professor X to a very strange island full of weird dangers and perilous adventure.  It all seems very strange to Fearless Leader Cyclops who, after getting quite an earful from Xavier after questioning the team's uncertainty about what they're supposed to be doing, is almost certain something's fishy.  And it is!  Because Xavier is shown coming home to the mansion only to find a sneaky looking guy in his house and *gasp* NO X-MEN!  Is Jeff Parker going to give us Krakoa the Living Island?

Any questions?