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All You Need to Know: New Avengers #23

Oh, good grief. It's the Spider-Woman issue.

Now, sometimes when customers come up to the front counter with their books on Wednesday and... do that weird thing where they leave you with what they want to buy to look around the store just in case forgetting the two people in line behind them who are ready, I can't help but flip to the last page sometimes, just to tease myself with what they guys just took out of the Diamond boxes. When I peeked at New Avengers #23, I caught the last line in the book being Spider-Woman's teary, "I have nowhere else to go!" and thought, why the An Officer and a Gentleman ripoff?

Oh, I didn't want to read this. I really really didn't. Thus, the late review. But, a promise is a promise and I swear I'm going to read these disasters so someone else doesn't have to.

We start with Jessica Drew in her underwear, draped all over her bed, surrounded by Heineken-esque cans, watching the news. The TV reports on recent events in Civil War (pre-Thor arrival) when there's a knock at the door. Enter Nick Fury who not only found her by her apartment/hotel room registration name 'Sybil Dvorak' ( a reference to Gypsy Moth? The hell?), but also wants to know the answer to the Million Dollar Question. They pussy foot the issue for a bit ("Time to pick a side, Jessica." "What side do you want me on?" "What side do you want to be on?") When she zaps ol' Nick since he's a LMD.

Apparently, she recognized the fact that he didn't smell right; now, as far as I know, Spider-Woman does not have advanced senses. So this means that when SHIELD rolled out this Life Model Decoy of their former leader to lure in a rogue agent, anyone could have figured out he smelled like an old tire.

Maybe SHIELD didn't really care about doing this right because the Cape Killers are there in a heartbeat. Maybe this is a really tense situation, maybe Jessica is really drunk, but it looks like sweat is flying off her as they start this really confusing fight sequence that doesn't show her going down, just suddenly coming to in a secret room on a Hellicarrier. A page and a half of fighting to BOOM! Capture. She seems secured to her chair and I have to give it to her Fruit of the Looms because that is one durable undershirt and panties set. In front of her is a wooden table waxed to a reflective shine so that she can see her reflection in it, Dragon Lady Maria Hill and Hey! It's Iron Man. Hill congratulates her on being the 'very first traitor in the very first superhero war'. It seems Iron Man, a little sick of her weird good-bad girl status, ratted her out on being a triple agent. And since Jessica Drew is only working for Nick Fury, who is no longer working for SHIELD it seems, and she accepted this crazy 'triple agent' business, Spider-Woman is a traitor.

Otherwise known as her background story is too confusing for Maria Hill to use properly and so she's out ("Because the paperwork on this... oh my god..."). How could you?, she sniffles to Tony Stark, armed in the Iron Man suit, who admits her shtick is lame and he only liked her because Captain American trusted her. Then the lights go out which just screws everything up on the SHIELD Hellicarrier. Apparently, HYDRA had a EMP pulse saved for a super special occasion and decided saving their rogue agent was that super special time. They bust in on cool hovercycles and clearly announce their intentions to everyone they find along with gun fire. They grab Jessica and try to get the Hellicarrier to crash into New York City, but it doesn't work because SHIELD comes back on line just in time.

Oh, yeah and the EMP pulse took out Iron Man, too. Because one of the world's most brilliant scientists wouldn't have thought to protect himself from something found in your standard book on terrorism. Couldn't they have at least used some technobabble, maybe made it a phasic-electromagnetic pulse or.... something? Nope! Not as important as Jessica Drew current quandary.

HYDRA takes Jessica to a little tropical hideaway and not only admit that they knew that SHIELD knew that they knew, but they want their triple agent to 'sit at the head of the table'. That's secret terrorist talk for 'take Madame Hydra's place'. And yes, Madame Hydra wouldn't take too kindly to this idea but hey! Them's the breaks, right? This is all explained in a very cramped two pages of very narrow and thin panels showing parts of faces and whatnot that works very well with Michael Avon Oeming, but not with Olivier Coipel. Jessica says no, they have a fight, Jessica wins by throwing lighting around, finding out where HYDRA keeps their fuel reserve on this island and then speeding away on a boat while the island blows sky high behind her.

Apparently, she has done this 'four or five times'. And HYDRA has never learned not to trust her. She has been captured, broken out and made their base explode FOUR OR FIVE TIMES. They just offered her Viper's job.

So, cut to a basement or someplace that should have had cookies and punch and maybe a banner that says 'Hapy Resistance' and in comes Jessica Drew in a long coat and shades. No one checked her at the door, apparently. No one checked their security and said 'Hey! It's Spider-Woman and she's getting kind of close to our base, maybe we should divert her elsewhere or send someone to find out what she wants'. She asks if she's in the right place, Captain America gets the stirring line of saying they are going to fight back and Jessica Drew breaks down with a line out of a famous movie.

"Please take me. Please," she pleads. "I have nowhere else to go."

Then she cries.

All you need to know? Spider-Woman's myspace site is very emo and she's now on Cap's side. SHIELD and HYDRA are really lazy.

Next week: the Sentry!