snap judgments no, really, there are some comics you really should read

All You Need to Know: New Avengers #23

Oh, good grief. It's the Spider-Woman issue.

Now, sometimes when customers come up to the front counter with their books on Wednesday and... do that weird thing where they leave you with what they want to buy to look around the store just in case forgetting the two people in line behind them who are ready, I can't help but flip to the last page sometimes, just to tease myself with what they guys just took out of the Diamond boxes. When I peeked at New Avengers #23, I caught the last line in the book being Spider-Woman's teary, "I have nowhere else to go!" and thought, why the An Officer and a Gentleman ripoff?

Oh, I didn't want to read this. I really really didn't. Thus, the late review. But, a promise is a promise and I swear I'm going to read these disasters so someone else doesn't have to.

We start with Jessica Drew in her underwear, draped all over her bed, surrounded by Heineken-esque cans, watching the news. The TV reports on recent events in Civil War (pre-Thor arrival) when there's a knock at the door. Enter Nick Fury who not only found her by her apartment/hotel room registration name 'Sybil Dvorak' ( a reference to Gypsy Moth? The hell?), but also wants to know the answer to the Million Dollar Question. They pussy foot the issue for a bit ("Time to pick a side, Jessica." "What side do you want me on?" "What side do you want to be on?") When she zaps ol' Nick since he's a LMD.

Apparently, she recognized the fact that he didn't smell right; now, as far as I know, Spider-Woman does not have advanced senses. So this means that when SHIELD rolled out this Life Model Decoy of their former leader to lure in a rogue agent, anyone could have figured out he smelled like an old tire.

Maybe SHIELD didn't really care about doing this right because the Cape Killers are there in a heartbeat. Maybe this is a really tense situation, maybe Jessica is really drunk, but it looks like sweat is flying off her as they start this really confusing fight sequence that doesn't show her going down, just suddenly coming to in a secret room on a Hellicarrier. A page and a half of fighting to BOOM! Capture. She seems secured to her chair and I have to give it to her Fruit of the Looms because that is one durable undershirt and panties set. In front of her is a wooden table waxed to a reflective shine so that she can see her reflection in it, Dragon Lady Maria Hill and Hey! It's Iron Man. Hill congratulates her on being the 'very first traitor in the very first superhero war'. It seems Iron Man, a little sick of her weird good-bad girl status, ratted her out on being a triple agent. And since Jessica Drew is only working for Nick Fury, who is no longer working for SHIELD it seems, and she accepted this crazy 'triple agent' business, Spider-Woman is a traitor.

Otherwise known as her background story is too confusing for Maria Hill to use properly and so she's out ("Because the paperwork on this... oh my god..."). How could you?, she sniffles to Tony Stark, armed in the Iron Man suit, who admits her shtick is lame and he only liked her because Captain American trusted her. Then the lights go out which just screws everything up on the SHIELD Hellicarrier. Apparently, HYDRA had a EMP pulse saved for a super special occasion and decided saving their rogue agent was that super special time. They bust in on cool hovercycles and clearly announce their intentions to everyone they find along with gun fire. They grab Jessica and try to get the Hellicarrier to crash into New York City, but it doesn't work because SHIELD comes back on line just in time.

Oh, yeah and the EMP pulse took out Iron Man, too. Because one of the world's most brilliant scientists wouldn't have thought to protect himself from something found in your standard book on terrorism. Couldn't they have at least used some technobabble, maybe made it a phasic-electromagnetic pulse or.... something? Nope! Not as important as Jessica Drew current quandary.

HYDRA takes Jessica to a little tropical hideaway and not only admit that they knew that SHIELD knew that they knew, but they want their triple agent to 'sit at the head of the table'. That's secret terrorist talk for 'take Madame Hydra's place'. And yes, Madame Hydra wouldn't take too kindly to this idea but hey! Them's the breaks, right? This is all explained in a very cramped two pages of very narrow and thin panels showing parts of faces and whatnot that works very well with Michael Avon Oeming, but not with Olivier Coipel. Jessica says no, they have a fight, Jessica wins by throwing lighting around, finding out where HYDRA keeps their fuel reserve on this island and then speeding away on a boat while the island blows sky high behind her.

Apparently, she has done this 'four or five times'. And HYDRA has never learned not to trust her. She has been captured, broken out and made their base explode FOUR OR FIVE TIMES. They just offered her Viper's job.

So, cut to a basement or someplace that should have had cookies and punch and maybe a banner that says 'Hapy Resistance' and in comes Jessica Drew in a long coat and shades. No one checked her at the door, apparently. No one checked their security and said 'Hey! It's Spider-Woman and she's getting kind of close to our base, maybe we should divert her elsewhere or send someone to find out what she wants'. She asks if she's in the right place, Captain America gets the stirring line of saying they are going to fight back and Jessica Drew breaks down with a line out of a famous movie.

"Please take me. Please," she pleads. "I have nowhere else to go."

Then she cries.

All you need to know? Spider-Woman's myspace site is very emo and she's now on Cap's side. SHIELD and HYDRA are really lazy.

Next week: the Sentry!

Remember These? – Reviews for 8/7

Sadly, these were supposed to be posted on Tuesday, as they were mostly preiview books, but due to some illness, I have been unable to come to the computer and type up my notes. Dental work is the pits, let me tell you, people, so these are probably a little less informative, a little more snarky than the norm. Ah well, better late than never, right?

52 #13

Not a preview book, I know, but I just have to say that that is some messed up stuff right there. Poor poor Ralph Dibney, man. The little mini-history in the back reminded me of how much fun Ralph and Sue used to be, too. Huh. But seeing a collection of people who are more than familiar with death and rebirth, so to speak, was a conversation I would have liked to have seen more of, but it makes sense that there aren't really any answers for how it all works. It's something we struggle with in our lives, what lies beyond death, how we can remain in contact with what we lose, good stuff. Still... I sure wouldn't want to be Ralph Dibney, that's for sure.

She-Hulk #10

And I quote, "Shocking reveals! Shocking revelations! A big green chick in tight fitting clothing! That's what She-Hulk is all about, kids - that and literally mauling sensitive guys suffering from unrequited love." That kind of thing makes me wonder if I really am the target audience for the book. I read it and recommend it as a very strong female character in the Marvel Universe who doesn't *have* to run around in tight fitting clothing to make a difference, someone who's trying to come to terms with her own fears and insecurities along with saving the world and standing up for justice in the most literal way possible. I use it as an example that all superheroes aren't millionaire playboys or lost aliens, that sometimes they don't separate the job from the heroism. She-Hulk is an awesome book and I have handed it over as a recommendation with pride to customers looking for something different in the genre that's still recognizable as heroic... I'm probably over thinking things, but if that's editor's call, it sure as hell explains the Greg Horn covers.
Anyway, back to the issue. Here we get to see a little of the footwork of the Superhero Registration Act more than just a bunch of posturing and speeches as She-Hulk, hubby John Jameson and the Two-Gun Kid track down heroes catching low level villains. Hey, I'm happy to see a good ol' fashioned crime as well as some of the details being shown of a company-wide event. Apparently, this issue also lets us know that the Starfox trial was a distraction from something HYDRA is doing (he's going to have to go back to that after all this Civil War stuff is over, just so we're clear on whether Starfox has taken advantage of our Shulkie or not. I know this makes it seem like the testimonies were trumped up a bit and things might not be as bad as it seemed, but there is the main character to think of) and finally, after issues of waiting, Pug finally confronts the very freaky and sudden marriage of Man-Wolf and She-Hulk. Oh, and there's a revelation I can't figure out at the end of the book that ties into the first 'season' issues. I trust Mr. Slott and anxiously await all this making sense.

New X-Men #29

Oh! The threat to kill Storm last issue was actually in reference to an alternate reality Storm! Not the recently married to Black Panther one, but another Storm that's got a kid with Forge in another universe. Wow. This puts this universe's Forge in danger from the Days of Future Past uber-Sentinel Nimrod who's working events to get back to his proper programming of destroying all mutants. Forge tries to stall out his 'help' to Nimrod while trying to get ahold of his friends, the X-Men, to come and stop the robot. They don't get the call, since they all went to Storm's wedding, but the New X-Men get the message through Surge's gauntlets, made for her by Forge himself. In a page right out of the first New Mutants handbook, they actually steal the Blackbird to try and help him out. I love it. David Alleyne, the depowered Prodigy, still knows how to fly the Blackbird from his mutant days and puts on protective gear while name dropping Doug Ramsey. I don't know who's teaching this kids right now, but they are doing a pretty good job. Sure, this whole thing with Forge is a trap, but these guys might live through this. Might. Oh, in case anyone was wondering, the Sentinels actually missed their escape (in a big plane) but do note the lack of bodies on a scan. "Sentinels so fired", indeed.

Wolverine: Origin #5

I honestly shouldn't have opened the book. The cover is just too damned pretty. And this story is too damned lame. Guess what everyone? Wolverine has a son! By Silver Fox! And he's been brainwashed to kill and hate his father. And all of this is brand new as of this issue. No lead up, no hints, just BAM! You gotta kid and will probably have to kill him or he will kill you. Oh no. Finally, Wolverine's magic sword comes into reasonable play as we're told it's the only weapon that can kill Logan as he puts in the hands of Cyclops for use 'when the time comes'. I would have stabbed him right then and there, but that's because this book isn't doing a thing for me. There is, however, a nice list of reference books on what this issue is talking about.

Annihilation #1

Ah, war. A massive enemy looking to wipe out civilizations and our heroes fighting the good fight to stop them. Framed well by the past books, Annihilation #1 is nice enough to keep giving you a little update on the players and where they stand, since... well, I didn't read the Ronan mini. It was the Rann-Thanagarr of the bunch and I got all the info I needed from the others. This is a an awesome space drama and if you have any need to see good broad strokes of good and evil and power, pick it up. Yes! I know you didn't read the Prologue or all of the minis but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a #1 issue of a fine story. And if you want to go back, please do. Just don't feel obligated before you give the book a try.

Squadron Supreme #6

I have to admit, I liked the first few issues of Supreme Power when it came out, I thought it was kind of cheeky and interesting but... I think I have officially reached my limit on 'realistic superheroes'. I officially, as of this day forth, don't need to see how evil my government is or how nasty, brutish and short heroes are at heart. There comes a time when all of this 'but it's more REAL this way' just turns into parody and not only skips the realism but loses a lot of the integrity as well. But I think that's a rant for another time. On to #6, because I never expected it to get this far. I thought it was going to be just that Supreme Power thing, but now it looks like we have Ultimates v.2, JLA style. Now, I like Nighthawk's conundrum regarding how he should g about his business and I like his style of crime fighting and what he's trying to accomplish. I think the scene between him and Blur is really important, but the rest of the book is so dressed up in stereotypes it's hard to look at it with the right amount of respect. Oh, look, the fat character reads comics, ha ha. All the government people have wheels within wheels and sneaky ulterior motives. It makes you wait for the other shoe to drop in the more serious moments and to find out that the character you thought was cool molests children because that's edgy these days.

Incredible Hulk #97

Hulk continues to run his rebel corp without really wanting to. The People in Charge are now doubly threatened by him as not only might he be this 'Greenskaar' character but perhaps the true and rightful Emperor. This ticks said Emperor off and forces him to call in Mara Jade, his right hand woman in from the field to go deal with this directly. Remember the cute buggy guy who found his people under a rock a few issues ago? Well, he wants to be in charge now and has mutated to something Hulk can smash. All in all, not much Hulk for your buck. The book continues to have too many supporting characters and not enough motivation for the Hulk to really do much of anything besides wait for the next thing to smash. I will give it that over Bruce Jones's run, there is some fine battling to be done, I just want a teeny more motivation. Maybe an all Hulk issue. The man's name is on the cover.

Beyond #2

Medusa must have been this artist's dream. Or nightmare. Hard to tell to tell but he sure does love using that hair. As we saw last issue, Venom is going to taste some regal vengeance from the Atillan queen for killing Spider-Man. She declares some sovereign right to whip the unholy heck out of him, which the sonic booms from the force of her cracks actually cause the symbiote great harm. The Avengers, Wasp and Hank Pym (who I still says looks straight out of the West Coast Avengers days) take the moral high ground and want to put Venom on trial or something as ridiculous. Venom escapes his whippy fate, blows a hole in the engine of their spaceship and crashes them a little early on Warworld Battleworld. A mystery man shows up and tries to get them to play along with the whole theme of the book but again, Wasp and Pym have better (read: wrong) ideas. They wind up being attacked and then Deathlok has to go save their butts. Also, dead Spider-Man wakes up. And no, he's not a zombie.

Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #15

Ah! Wonderful! Straight forward bad guy! Teamwork through hardship! A moral lesson with action and adventure, good stuff. Again, I repeat: the Marvel Adventures line is a great way to relax after a hard day of schoolchildren murders, government stoolies and Spider-Man getting his life torn into confetti pieces. The Fantastic Four fights Terminus and teach us that you can make a difference, no matter how small you are. An all ages book to be sure.