snap judgments

Everybody have their copy of Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man?

Didn’t think so. The series jumped out of the gate tied into a convoluted story arc that STILL hasn’t resolved (so Spider-Man died - again - and… everyone’s okay with that?  What about the chick made out of spiders?  Never mind.), had only one really ‘in continuity ’story and a mish mash of alternate universe tales. I was disappointed to say the least, but this last one I believe gave me a little more evidence on my Big Theory.

I have a lot of these theory things, bear with.

So! Uncle Ben from an alternate timeline where Aunt May died and Peter became a jerkface stumbles his way into our reality. Then there’s some stuff with the 2211 universe, the Hobgoblin being the result of some daddy issues, maybe a little insanity, so she goes throughout time and beats up Spider-Mans.  Spider-Man 2211 follows ‘Hobby’ and the wandering Uncle Ben runs into our Aunt May. Who promptly hits him.

You see, Aunt May’s lost a little wonder in this day and age and immediately jumps to the idea that it’s an impostor.  I’m not saying that it’s a bad idea considering, but… it tells you a lot about the MU.  Uncle Ben tries to reason with her but Jarvis steps to her defense, also hitting Uncle Ben. Ben gets upset (obviously) and tries to throw down with Jarvis, making a far more interesting fight than whatever Spider-Man’s doing right now. Uncle Ben, disheartened, confused and chased off, finds himself walking into an alley.

Yes, yes, nerd alert, it says ‘Bad Wolf’ in grafitti in said alley, a reference to last season’s Doctor Who.

Anyhoo, miserable old Uncle Ben finds himself in debate with a bum, covered by a hat and newspapers so only his eyes are seen. The bum suggests Uncle Ben take things into his own hands and slides him a gun. Uncle Ben, the man we get power and responsibility from, says he couldn’t possibly do that! He bum explains a recent headline on the ‘Myriad Ways Theory’, which is basically the idea that for every action you take, there is another reality where you took the opposite action. Yes, this makes the multiverse incredibly crowded, but read on. The bum explains that because of this, there really is no right or wrong answer, just the way you go and the way you don’t, seen in a special issue of What If?

Uncle Ben winds up taking the gun after this theoretical physics lesson, kills Spider-Man 2211 before he can send Ben back to his universe (where he was supposed to play a big part) and possibly the bum as well, who looks remarkably like Uncle Ben himself. That part’s a little iffy for me as they were both shown with different color eyes in previous panels and unless we’re pulling an Alex Luthor/Lex Luthor scene, the resemblance is just weird and unexplained.
But even this crazy loophole isn’t as important as this Myriad Ways Theory. You see, Fantastic Four: Death in the Family was supposed to be important for current Marvel continuity. If you read it, you’d know that was probably backpedaled on Newsarama because Sue does die, but in an alternate universe. Johnny goes into the time machine to fix it, saves current continuity Sue and goes back. Reed makes some comment as to how futile that was, considering it just created a divergent universe instead of fixing his own, Ben says that he was just sparing them the heartbreak of losing Sue, they all hug, then reprint time. But, more importantly, it’s another psudo-mention of the ‘Myriad Ways Theory’, that Johnny didn’t change the time line, just created an offshoot reality.

So, here it is: THIS IS NOT AN EXIT.

When Wanda created the House of M universe, she just shunted them (uh, maybe just their brains?  I mean, it seemed to take the combined powers of Wanda, Pietro and Xavier, so…?) over to a different reality for a time. When she said ‘No More Mutants’, she was probably going to shunt them again to a reality mutant-free reality. Dr. Strange and Jean Grey Lite- I mean Emma Frost ’saved the select few’ and we get kind of a half way effort. But I don’t think this is The Marvel Universe.

A Marvel Universe, sure, but not the one we had pre-Avengers Disassembled. Sure, it’s a little too ‘JR in the shower/all a dream’ a scenario, but what else could explain the strange gaps in continuity, the sudden arrival of the Sentry (previously not allowed to be in the Marvel Universe according to his first mini series, lest his alter ego kill us all). In fact, think of your own favorite editorial gaff and see if you can’t put it to this theory! Fun for the whole family!

Because of this, the infamous ‘No More Mutants’ and the rather timely arrival of both Sentinels ‘guarding’ the Xavier Mansion and Nimrod in the New X-Men book (that’s right, NIMROD), I thinking we might be getting into Days of Future Past territory here. Eventually the Sentinels could be called into stop the Superhero Threat (yeah, that does sound pretty silly, but it’s where we’re at, folks), marshal law can be brought in, the next thing you know we have red suits with spikes on ‘em and Rachel Grey somewhere slapping her forehead, wondering how she didn’t see this happen.

This is not an exit, Wanda. This is not your world.