snap judgments

Welp, due to poor working conditions, looks like you’re on your own for last week’s books.  Don’t worry, you didn’t miss much.

Also, DC only sent us four preview books and I still only managed to read two, so the last are sort of Snap Guesses.  Enjoy!

Captain America 65th Anniversary Special

Anniversary Special?  This isn’t an Anniversary Special.  It’s an Annual at best.  Everything in this is central to th current plot and doesn’t so much look back fondly on the American hero so much as use an old mission to further the current.  Why is this an Anniversary Special?  It’s not bad, the story’s decent, nothing thrilling:  Cap and Bucky (now with more Winter Soldier-like action!) team up with Fury and the Howling Commandos to help dissenters foil a Nazi plot to unearth a giant robot.  Just a Tuesday during WWII, right?  Well, Bucky finds love with a plucky German girl and it turns out Cap is relating this story in the present to Sharon as an illustration of… uhm, how Bucky might be looking for this chick.  And that the Red Skull has gone back to look for the Robot.  Yeah.  The art is handled by two guys (Javier Pulido and Marcos Martin) who really pull the whole thing off thanks to the stylistic design that had me rechecking to make sure it wasn’t Darwyn Cooke in disguise.  Again, a good Annual, a decent story… just not for an Anniversary.

Uncanny X-Men #471

No, no, what are Wolverine and Storm doing in Africa?  Really!  I want to know!  It looks interesting, like there might be something meaningful involved and relatable to the rest of the titles.  Come back!  Damn.  Back to Rachel Grey.  The Shi’ar Something-or-Others are back to let the X-Men kick them around again.  The Sentinel Squad (of two) accompany a Blackbird into town and … don’t really assist all too much aside from making a little boy’s day.  Note the little boy in question:  we catch him playing with some Sentinel Squad action figures, making me wonder how publicized the ‘Westchester Internment Camp’ is.  What am I saying!  Like it matters with Civil War coming up… Anyway, the Shi’ar realize that sending this silly little group into kill Rachel isn’t working and decide to just bomb the hell out of New York to get her.  Sensing this, Rachel and Psylocke join hands, avert Sudden Explosive Death and Rachel explains to Nightcrawler how all of this means she’s honoring her mother’s legacy.  These stories must make Chris Claremont SO happy.

Books of Doom #5

We all know the story, so sing along:  Doom starts revolution in Latveria.  He monologues, he promulgates (look it up).  He mercilessly kills those who oppose him.  Classic Doom.  Brubaker does a good job at narrating an incredibly dramatic and seminal villain, it’s just that the art does not step up to the scope of this legend.  Pablo Raimondi is a decent guy, I’m not saying the art is bad, it’s just not epic enough for the kind of story that’s being told.  Like 8-Bit Shakespeare, without the novelty.

Spider-Man Araña: The Hunter Revealed #1

Oh, this is why the book didn’t sell that well.  I liked the idea of a young super-heroic girl balancing school and adventure with an older mentor kind of guy (anyone watch Buffy?), but with all this ‘Totem’ and ‘Secret Society’ stuff, it’s a little too complicated to be fun.  Though for the right age in the Anime-Laden Childhood kids seem to be having these days, it might be a good recommendation for the girl who’s brother gets Dragonball.  So, there’s two groups, the ‘Webcorps’ and the ‘Sisters of the Wasp’, they both have hunters and mages, there’s some soul bonding involved, and they fight.  There’s ancient secrets, there’s resurrections and by the end of the book, both groups are pretty much toast, letting Araña drop all that complication and get on with her life.  Oh, and Spidey’s in the book, mostly for show.  The middle bit is drawn by Sabrina’s anime artist Tania Del Rio, and that’s pretty fun and nicely gets you up to speed from Araña’s back story.  On the whole, pretty cool for kids, not so great for Spidey fans.

Marvel Romance Redux: Guys and Dolls #1

Not as funny as the last one.  In fact, it’s pretty unfunny.  And they’re going with the random #1 on the cover instead of numbering them with each Marvel Romance Redux they do.  Unless you really like the gag or just want some old romance comic art, you can save the $2.99.

Marvel Spotlight: David Finch/Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa

Do you like those two guys?  Then this is the book for you.  If not, then you probably can save your $2.99 as most of the info inside can be gleamed off of Newsarama or the Marvel website.  This is a real hit-and-miss kind of thing depending on who the spotlight hits and what kind of extras they throw in and, at least for me, this is a miss.  Interesting to know Aguirre-Sacasa is a playwright and went to an Ivy League school, but not $2.99 interesting.

Untold Tales of the New Universe: Psi Force #1

Well, they couldn’t all be cool.  The last two I read were surprisingly good and really did flesh out the Quarter Bin characters into something that you might want tolook back into.  This one?  … Not so much.  In fact, you probably saw this episode of Captain Planet before.  They even have the Russian chick!  Five kids apparently with a variety of psychic powers were gathered together by their mentor who died but can be resummoned in spirit by them as a Native American superhero.  Yeah.  The two books previously previewed managed to be 80′s enough for the theme but not annoyingly so.  Not this one!  See:  the Black Kid with the Basketball!  The Nerd!  The Jock in the Leather Jacket!  The Girl with all the 80′s catchphrases you’d hope you’d never hear again!  And, as previously mentioned, the the Russian chick with the most unique spelling of the un-unique exclamation of ‘Boshe Moi!‘ yet.  If you’re looking for a real throwback, go ahead and try it and watch two Native American spirit warriors battle it out.

Fantastic Four #536

This book will sell out.  Guaranteed.  Not that it’s good, but it keeps promising more in the Mighty Marvel Manner so everyone’s going to think this is the first appearance of Mjolnir or something.  But what’s actually inside?  The Fantastic Four (after a quick nod to both Amazing Spider-Man and the Illuminati special) go to fend off a horde of Doom bots suddenly at the site of a mysterious object that has recently crashed from space.  And lo and behold, Reed only now realizes it’s Thor’s mighty hammer.  Oh, and Doom’s back.  For a man who really makes an entrance and can actually change the font that he proclaims his name in (something Straczynski has mentioned before), that was a really weak return.  No drama, no intrigue, just part of the Doom Bot Army.  Ah well.  Just a little taste t keep you interested, but no actual story involved.  And is it me or is Straczynski getting way too cheeky these days?  I mean, the fourth wall break with Tony and Peter Parker, the editor and writer text box ‘fight’ in the last issue of Amazing Spider-Man and this little note at the start of the FF here about the plane?  Not to mention the Words, Words, Words articles on Newsarama.  It’s like he’s trying to hard to be liked.  I’d rather have more plot.

New Avengers: Illuminati

Continuing our ‘Will be Sold Out Before the Pulls are Done’ theme, here’s another one.  For the most part, this is a kind of a cool idea: the most powerful and world-moving characters in the Marvel Universe get together to share info and make the bid decisions.  Too bad they pretty much convince you otherwise within a couple pages of the book.  In fact, it doesn’t really feel like anyone wants to be there at all besides Iron Man, who comes across as that one person who tries to take control of all the group events with or without your say so among your friends.  He thinks it’s a dandy idea while everyone else either disagrees or shrugs their shoulders.  Black Panther tells them to walk away from it at their first meeting.  But do they listen?  Tony comes to the table again with an idea of putting the Hulk ‘someplace else’ for ‘safety reasons’ and Namor thinks that’s crap.  He’s the worst person to be right in situations like this because he’s just going to come off like a prick.  And he does.  A fight even breaks out between him and Iron Man (hey, he was asking for it)!  Isn’t this group supposed to be working for good here?  Aren’t these heroes?  Why does every good guy these days have to be so pissy with one another?  Look at that cover!  They’re all surly.  Suffice it to say, this is the book that lays out the entire damn show for Civil War.  Tony comes to the group to talk about it in their last meeting and it unsurprisingly doesn’t go well.  Again.  He practically gives you the break down of how things are going to go in the books, he’s that far reaching.  This should honestly be a rant in and of itself but let’s just say the book has one awesome moment and a lot of letdown.  But we’ll buy it anyway.

Sentry #7

By this point, I was pretty down when I was making notes for these reviews.  Marvel seemed full of promises and there was so little to show for it.  And then… the clouds parted, the angels sang, and I read the second to last issue of the Sentry.  God bless Paul Jenkins.  God bless us, everyone.  Because this is how it should be done.  This is how storytelling should grab and shake you down for all the sympathy you got.  Every issue has been phenomenal in its scope, story and what it’s trying to tell you.  They tease you with a new take on the character, only to give you an all new idea with the next issue that leaves you hungry for more.  It’s thoughtful, though-provoking, full of twists and turns that are unexpected but make sense and pull you along for a great ride.  God, I love this book.  Remember last issue where the Golden Guardian of Good comes to the realization he’s in a mental institution?  Well, looks like Robert Reynolds is actually John Victor Williams, schizophrenic murderer, and he has dreamed up the entire Marvel Universe to cope with the horrible things he’s done.  WOW.  But then, just when you’re starting to wonder how this all happened, he’s back to being the Sentry and Doctor Strange and the scientist that ‘supposedly’ gave him the super serum have teamed up to put him in that delusion!  This proves once again, they like writing Dr. Strange as a right bastard.  SHIELD shows up when the Sentry demands answers from the professor and, get this, detonates a bomb in the old man’s chest before he can tell him The Truth.  Now, the Sentry must face the most EVIL looking Fortress of Solitude I have yet to see to face himself/Evil/the Void/another psychic presence/whatever this is going to be for the final issue.  And I cannot wait.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #202

Pretty good.  Investigations into the origin of the Ripper continue, some leads are followed, some trails run cold and Batman s easily one step ahead of the reader.  The Penguin guest stars to spill some info while his thugs rough the Batman up.  Batman takes care of them handily and then asks the Penguin why he even bothered with the usual melee when he was just telling him the info anyway.  Well, you never know when a thug might get lucky.  It’s sure, it’s pretty interesting, nothing along the lines of what’s going on in the books now and a good recommendation for someone coming in looking for a Batman Book.  Like coffee-flavored coffee.

Batman: Journey Into Knight #8

Okay, now someone told me this book was pretty good and whoever that was, I’m going sock them.  While Tan Eng Huat’s art might have worked for the second-to-last try at the Doom Patrol, on Batman it just looks weird.  And if the art’s off, it’s really hard to get into the story.  It doesn’t seem like I’m missing much though as people are being brainwashed by a psychic hotline.  Maybe this was just a bad issue.

Lucifer #72

Three more issues until the end of the series, so it’s probably more tidy wrap up with Lucifer and maybe an idea of how this whole show’s going to end.

Warlord #2

Someone swings a sword?  I mean, with a cover like that if someone didn’t I’d be disappointed.

Okay, I’m not the gossipy type, but to let you kindly folks know… it’s been a long day.  Reviews are forthwith (despite the fact I seem to be missing some of my notes…), but probably slow going.

We now return you to your next over-hyped Marvel ‘company wide’ event.

For the record, I try not to write about customers, no matter how off the wall they can get while working in ‘The Biz’.

But.

There’s the guy who comes into the store who just gives off the wrong vibes. He’s a creepy guy and working at a comic shop, you tend to get these guys. This one happens to want the adult books. Keep in mind, I have no problems selling these books and try my best not to make judgments on customers in general, no matter how much I think X-Force: Shatterstar blows goats. I am a-ok with the adult books. I’ve had people politely ask to see the books on the higher shelves then paciently wait at the front for me to go and get the adult books down frm their perch. I’ve had big burly dudes declare that they ‘wanna see the tittie books’ to me and I’ve dutifully gone and gotten them while they ask what’s new. There’s even the most adorable old man who got a good laugh out of asking me for an extra copy of ‘Dimples Down Below’ and we both got to giggle about it. But this guy…

He’s just… you know. Creepy. The ‘unwashed hair and beard, far too large glasses, long overcoat that’s buttoned up in the front, a little too quiet’ kind of creepy. His posture actually bends him forward by the crotch. He’ll enter the store, go to the corner in which we keep our adult books up on high shelves and stand there. And stand there. He’ll pace a bit, but he won’t make a noise or ask for help. He’ll just try and, I don’t know, telepathically broadcast to us that he wants to see the nudie books. He’s hard to miss, so I normally go over and just help him to get out of the store, and for my troubles I will be uncomfortably stared at as I go get a chair to boost my height and reach up to take the books down for him. I nknow that, as a 103lb. girl I have a higher ‘creep out’ factor than most, but he’s not friendly, he’s not cool, he’s not even polite. His $3.50 sale is not worth me going the extra mile for him.

One of the other employees is bound and determined to make him come up and ask for what he wants. The guy has hung around the shelves like a dog looking to go out the back door but won’t bark for fear of reprisal and we’ve just gone about our business. He’ll wander the aisles, getting a a yard or so from the counter at which I am standing and look at me, but not a word about what he wants. He’s done this for 45 minutes before the nerve leaves him and he leaves.

On one hand, I feel bad. I mean, who am I to try and discipline this guy or deny him his need for cartoon boobies? But at the same time, I don’t wanna go over there and get the creeps from him. I don’t get paid enough for that.

He’s peeking out at me from the shelves. I want to be able to blow a whistle, throw a flag and get him on a 20 yard penalty for being creepy. He stares at me. I stare back. He holds his arms out as if to say ‘Well?!?’ but refuses to say a word. I can’t take it.

“Do you need help with something, sir?”

“YES,” he yelps. I send the other guy to go help him. Guiiiiiilt.

Maybe he and I aren’t all that dissimilar.

You know, I could have had these out a bit sooner, but… DevilDucky. I know, I’m a little slow on finding these things. =) Not to mention other momentous occasions.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR! To Mike and his sibling and anyone else he knows that might be having a birthday around now. Just in case.

Anyhoo, REVIEWS!

X-Men: Apocalypse vs. Dracula #2

Ah, continuity. Hee. Jack Starsmore, as a gift of being of Apocalypse’s bloodline, can breathe fire, like his modern-day counterpart had stuck in his chest cavity could up until recently. I tickle easily. It’s not moody, it’s not evocative, it’s not deep or metaphorical. It’s fucking Apocalypse vs. Dracula and what it says on the cover, it delivers. The Akaba Clan summons up their dark lord (very Victorian and seance-y in a way), who treats them like the children that they are. Van Helsing is brought in by one of the lessers, Jack Starsmore, to explain our very simple plot and the big blonde guy from last issue brings home Drac. Sure, it doesn’t thrill, but it abides.

New Mangaverse #3

Some serious ‘splode here folks. The book at least doesn’t take too seriously. The Manga-ized Asian Squad goes after an Air Force base, gives some powers to Warbird, then leaves. Back home, everyone (let’s see, Spider-Man, Black Cat, MJ, the girl Johnny Storm, Iron Man and fan fav. Wolverine) bicker about until Wolverine slices off what looks to be a robotic arm on Black Cat, Spidey gives us a talking to on responsibility and then everyone goes and fights the bad guys. Forgivable that it’s not that good because I don’t think anyone suspects it to be.

Spider-Woman: Origin #4

Ok. She’s gonna sleep with a name this issue. That’s how these things go, right? Proves herself all bad-ass and wily and a killer then, to prove to guys they shouldn’t be intimidated by a female lead, she has to be vulnerable through sex. Oh. It’s her MOM that gets raped and killed. “Because she’s a trained agent of blah blah blah.’ See, even Nick’s sick of it. “Would an agent of SHIELD stoop so low as to sleep with someone like me just to get close to information?” *ding* I’ll take it. The underwater electricity is cute. Ms. Special Boots wants her parents so she goes along with the info Nick Fury gives her only to find her mother hastily undressed and blood-splotched thanks to B-lister, Whiplash. These days, we all know what that means. She then ‘disappears’ again to go find intel on an ‘Athena Project’, the reason why Whiplash did the deed he did. She plays the Merry Tart to Count Otto Vermis, also a Hydra guy but a smart one as he learns to kill the chick who asks too many questions during sex. They make a weak attempt at killing her and Spider-Woman goes to a Top Secret Base to find her Dad. On one hand, I wish this book was just over before it gets anymore cliched, but at the same time, I kind of want to know why on Earth they think this is all so cool. Also, Bendis should write more Fury.

Annihilation: Prologue #1

Giffen, you are a busy man. Funny how DC’s Death is a Spunky Goth Girl, while Marvel’s Death is apparently now Wednesday Addams. I miss the shapely skeleton. Well, at least it’s interesting. I have to admit, it’s hard to get into the hardcore sci-fi books in comics these days (at least in regards to the Big Two) because it’s like knowing an entirely separate world. And when the normal super-world is confusing, a whole new one in space is another story. Especially when there is little current links between the two. It’s a prologue, so there’s a bunch of different spots to our story here, Drax and his wayward waif still going to prison, Richard Ryder coming in on special call from the Nova Corps, sneaking Super Skrull snooping around, Silver Surfer and Thanos sensing a ‘disturbance in the force’, and it’s all tied together by a big destructo-armada from Annihilus and we have title sign. Again, it’s easy to let stuff like this slip away from you in the big picture, but there’s a lot of little touches to pull you into the story when you drift out too far. Let’s see where they’re going with this.

Punisher vs. Bullseye #5

Last issue, last one was ok, let’s see what the whole thing was about anyways. Daniel Way really is the poor man’s Ennis and you know, that’s not a bad thing. Ryan Sook was the next best thing to Mike Mignola and I’ll stilb pick up his stuff when I see it. I like my villains crafty and to take a guy who who’s claim to fame was killing a chick who just came back anyways (thus taking any glory he might have had) and then send him off the track of one-trick pony to matching wits with the Punisher, that’s okay in my book. If you read Bullseye’s Greatest Hits, you know what I’m talking about. That almost ‘Bugs Bunny’ level of witty mayhem that leaves people with their pants down and Bullseye whistling away. Technically, this should have been Bullseye vs. Punisher since in the end, he kind of made out like a bandit, but I think another book got that first, so there ya go. Lots of little human touches, lots of fun. Punisher vs. Bullseye, just like the cover says.

Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #6

Okay, now I feel for the guy considering had to start out a nigh-brand new title with that whole Other debacle and he sorta swung and missed with the issue after, but this… this should be getting us on track, right? Spider-Man, written by a pretty funny and witty guy? Please? First off, the art: Roger Cruz is working here, making me wonder what happened to ‘Ringo. Supporting characters are juggled well, considering the new Flash Thompson twist. The character, recently in a comatose state with a few little moments here and there seems apparently just fine and taking over his old spot as Peter Parker Provoker™ and Coach at the high school Parker works at. Oh, it’s like the Odd Couple with teachers! And it’s the 1960′s all over again. Anyway, our story is simple: a mysterious and mystical masked Mexican wrestler has to wrestle Spider-Man and unmask him in public or lose his soul so he sets up a charity benefit with J. Jonah Jameson to lure Spider-Man to his clever trap. At the height of the wrestling match, Spider-Man pops those ‘stinger’ things from his wrists, apparently kills ‘El Muerto’ (wow, late night name grab, that one) and leaving everyone kinda ‘huh?’. Also, Aunt May gives a little homespun advice that Wolverine is hip on and Jarvis asks her on a date. Old people are so cute. I tryst Mr. David, so we’ll go another issue before he seems far too clogged by editorial decisions.

Generation M #5

Last issue! And it’s … very different from the others. Maybe because it throws the plot forward like a water balloon in a sling, only to splash all over you and leave you cold. Go metaphor, go. Finally, after dragging us through all that ‘listening to other mutants’ business, Sally Floyd tells her story and it’s heartbreaking. That portion of the book really hit home and brought back the idea that ‘M-Day’ was more far reaching than we could see, which I hope was the point of this book. The Mutant Killer that’s been haunting the last few issues shows up in person looking a lot like Brundle Fly and the X-Men pop in as well (oh yeah, Angel’s wings or lack there of last issue? Clever ruse!). A mediocre fight ensues killing the only non-named guy they had (though I’ll still call him Brundle Fly) and the main character is lauded by the hated and feared. Oh, yeah. Moonstar, on the cover, she gets a page that makes her seem far too overdramatic. ‘But I don’t dreeeeeam anymore!’ Oh, quiet you, you’re a character that’s not going anywhere and hasn’t for decades. Those are the real tragedies I suppose, all the named mutants that had been fan favorites for someone through the years, tossed aside for the New Big Thing and set adrift until the next retcon. Wow, if there had only been a book about their story…

Runaways #14

Honesty. You know, I think that’s it. I think that’s why this book does so well, it’s the honesty of the characters and their small, self-contained story that everyone can relate to in away. You know, what Marvel’s good at, the personal, relatable hero. Think on that for a minute.Okay, back to the book: the kids hangout, describe their current lot in life and how they feel about it, go through some subtle personal changes and we are then sent on a rather shaky bit of rewind and fast-forward as one of the other MMORPG groups traitor Alex Wilder used to hang out with get the idea something is/was up with their ‘Captain America’. The emo kid in the group hacks into a bunch of stuff and figures out the plot of the book *plus* how to ‘bring Alex back’. They do (because) and get entirely different results than they expected. When I read the book, I have to admit, I like it. I just don’t read it all that often.

Untold Tales of the New Universe: Justice #1

This isn’t Ellis’s supposed Redux of the New Universe is it? I’m pretty sure it’s just a nostalgic revisit. And what a revisit this is! Man, who knew I’d actually get something out of these little stories? Maybe there’s something to those quarter-bin books after all. Also, this ‘White Event’? Very ‘Wild Cards-esque’ and very fitting as to why I dig Marvel books so much. More on that later.
A unique little morality tale that comes across a lot better than Peter David’s Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man one. There’s a guy doing the wrong thing for arguably the right reasons. Justice finds that good acts can lead to possibly evil-er ones in the future and the fact that it’s a shit job trying to sort that kind of stuff all out. A good single story you can kind of chew over and red at a coffee shop and debate with your friends. The art’s not particularly spectacular (or amazing) but the story is good enough to propel it along.

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #201

See the 1950′s sci-fi guy on the front. That’s Clayface he doesn’t matter in this issue in the slightest. Oh sure, he gets in a couple swings at the start, but that’s it! What this book is actually about is the fact that Gotham has a ‘Jack the Ripper-esque’ legend that was never solved and some guy is saying in public that the killer was none other than Dr. Wayne, Bruce’s daddy. At first Batman’s like ‘Whatevah, I’ll just sue!’ but Alfred sets him to task and let the Detective work begin! Interesting enough premise, but there’s nothing interesting or new to the story that isn’t being done better or cooler elsewhere. Want a story about Wayne past? Go find Batman: Secrets. Want some old school detective work? Go read Batman and the Monster Men. At least the ‘Disguise lab’ was kind of cool.

Birds of Prey #92

Another book to make me go ‘Wow! 92 issues? Really?But it’s more One Year Later madness as everyone kicks it up a notch in the DCU and Birds of Prey is no exception. Lady Shiva’s on the team! Black Canary goes to an underground Vietnamese fighter training camp and gets her ass handed to her! The Crime Doctor needs to live and was that Gypsy? Well, Lady Shiva is an interesting development even if I’m not all that thrilled by the character. Like most OYL books, it’s going to need a little time to settle in.

Red Sonja Claw #1

What ho then, ey? Fairly enjoyable sword swinging fun in a not terribly drawn book. Average and cheeky, just don’t expect much. A man cursed with a webbed and kind of rotting looking hand (… and he’s called the Claw? Sure, he’s going kind of long nails, but…) decides to end it all and off himself, but not before bandits get to him first. Red Sonja, watching from a little ways away, decides that this is a good enough time as any to go join in the fight. Bandits dispatched, they share exposition and travel to a town where Red Sonja says there’s someone who could help the guy out. Turns out the town went evil while she was away.

DMZ #5

Oh, wow. Where’d this book come from? How’d I miss this? I have a soft spot for cautionary tales and dystopian futures. And this just so happens to be a great issue to jump into! Go me. Apparently th main character is a journalist living in a pretty gritty and dark future. His jacket and pres badge are his life and when someone breaks into his apartment, that’s what gets stolen, leading on a traveler’s tour of this book’s version of NYC. A little bit of info on everything and a good way to set you into the setting. I’m definitely looking up 1-4 now. Brian Wood’s a good guy and enough like Jamie Hewlett that gets to me.

100 Bullets #70

>I know that if I’d been following the past 69 issues, I would be all over this story. As is, while the art and mood are terrific, it’s just so far away from what I know (the basic premise as was told by me was that there are a 100 unmarked bullets in a case that are given to people in dire circumstances and it’s sort of a play on what would you do if you really could get away with murder) that it’s a very insular story. Some sort of thing is going on in the meat industry between rival factions and two brother, plus a mafioso type dies leaving his rather sharky family to decide if they’re going to bond together or back stab each other to see who’ll be in charge.

Elfquest: the Discovery #2

Okay. Are you sitting down? Get ready. I can’t stand Elfquest. And yes, I am female. I know it’s one of those books that chicks tend to gravitate towards but it just does nothing for me. The artwork is kind of weird in a not-that-manga kind of way, the language in the book is so purple it’s nearly black and … no. I mean, I’ll read Mars and Hot Gimmick and a load of other very girly books but Elfquest I try to actively avoid. But, for you and DC Comics who sent out this issue for preview, I’ll see what it’s all about. So: Land Guy loves Water Girl, who he met psychically. Land Guy’s homies are all for this and are really excited and the Token Human Chick acts like a 14 year old girl who finally got Billy to notice her. The Water Chick’s homies are a bit more split on the matter. And by split, I mean there’s one old crotchety guy who’s all against it while everyone else thinks that psychic love is grand. The Earth Guy is going to take his magic palace to the bottom of the ocean to see his woman. The Water Peeps go to meet him and the Old Guy has a HUGE hissy fit and threatens to kill himself if they don’t listen. So they do and in the end, most still think he should just chill out. He takes a bunch of people with him in a huff. Reading this was like sitting in a Harry Potter ‘Shipper chatroom. And that means this book is gonna sell great.

No, seriously, it’s a small world.

I can look Neil Patrick Harris in the eye and ask for ID for his credit card.  I can actively ignore Mark Hamil when he was last seen in the store (gimme a break on this one, he was wearing a old trenchcoat, a battered hat and something on his face that made him resemble Darkman more than Luke Skywalker.  So… we thought he was a loony and left him be.  ANYways…).  All in all, stars don’t bother me.  Comes from living in Santa Barbara for most of my life where the rich and famous are just annoying and driving up property value.
But when it turns out that I’m calling Mike of Mike Sterling’s Progressive Ruin fame (though my concept of fame has been historically proven to be askew) for our shorts list…  omg.  I have to tell everyone I’m working with.  I fangirl.
That totally made my day more than the guy with no volume control.   My priorities are a bit off.

NEWSARAMA – MARVEL DEBUTS CIVIL WAR TRAILER ONLINE

I’ll be honest. I love Marvel too much to be a real Zombie anymore. I want my quality product. I want editors who conference. I want basic continuity. I want a lot of things. I’m needy.
So, with a wince, I went to go look at the above. It’s a bunch of shots from the preview of Civil War #1 (or whatever the pages in Wizard were this month) and some flying word text put together like a movie trailer. You see, movies work well for Marvel and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

No biggie. Kind of a cute idea to market your book to the masses and get people hyped up for the big show, so to speak. I’m right ther with ya. We have the New Warriors (those poor schmoes. getting the Giffen/DeMatteis at DC treatment as a fun little mini gets used for dark plot) going up against Nitro (that is Nitro, right?) only to have him do his exploding bomb schtick… next to a SCHOOL! Oh no! The little boys and girls are caught in the blast and send of a nationwide shockwave that asks, ‘Are we truely safe from superheroes?’

Okay. Kind of scary, rather topical, I could get into this…. if 49 practically personally named, former mutant children hadn’t been blown to smithereens in a recent issue of New X-Men. Oh, and that’s right, it wasn’t a mutant or superpowered person who did this heinous act, it was a man. Just a guy who thinks he has God on his side and apparently has access to missles that won’t be detected by the Sentinels that are no more than a mile or so from the school which they’re there to protect.
But that’s neither here nor there.

Mutants, not four feet away, are getting the Real World That Hates and Fears Them Treatment and no one’s really making much fuss. Those human kids get hurt and they’re all over your newpaper.

What is Marvel trying to tell us again?

Sure, someone could read these before they go get their books, so watch out.  Could be spoilers.

BAM!  Review time!

New X-Men #24

I like Psylocke better in New X-Men than the Uncanny version.  No kinky stretching sessions for you, reader!  Why does this look familiar to me for some reason? The school bus from last issue really does blow up, killing Brian Cruz and a bunch of other people who can’t really recall from the book and everyone takes the time to react, bury the dead and take stock of their lives.  Nice to see as so many things are going on these days, it takes a little of the edge off of a very humanizing book (not to mention all of the X-Titles) when someone dies or things blow up every single issue. The brand new junior team’s world gets a little darker and a little more focus.  What room are they in with the Wolverine uniform, just sorta hanging there?  The Sentinel toting government continues to be blatant and terrible and suggest placing the blame for the students death’s not on the GIANT ROBOTS SENT TO PROTECT THEM FROM THINGS LIKE THIS, nope.   Time to blame Emma!  Don’t ask me why.  Maybe because it was her idea to get the kinds out of a dangerous situation in the first place.  Ah, well.  This book just got a whole lot more serious as of one issue.  Maybe it’s my doubt in recent main X-Men titles, but I’m on an upswing with the New X-Men.

Cable & Deadpool #26

Steal those entry pages from Joe Kelly, Fabian!  I just wish you were a liiiiitle funnier.  WHOA!  Rad.  Apparently, Cable’s been chasing Apocalypse from the past (yeah, I know) and now is hunting him down in the present (ok) and DP and Irene Merrywether go looking for him to find the usual big Apoca-Sphinx with a possibly EVIL Cable inside.  (anyone notice that now with Black Box, Cable now has… cable?)  The intro tells you it’s not going to be funny this issue, but there are a couple chuckles as only DP can bring you as well as an interesting take on an old story.  The Return of Apocalypse was inevitable and as the intro put it ‘the publishing budget needs a nice oomph in the first quarter… drag some low selling (yet incredibly highly praised) into the mix and PRESTO – cue ominous music – APOCALYPSE RETURNS’.  The honesty is nice.

X-Men: 198

The covers are great, they really make me think of revolution.  Too bad there’s none inside.  God, Dave Hine wants Mutant Town back.  You can really tell he loved every single character he created and while I might not have been so inclined, I can respect that.  But when we go to revisit his old stomping ground, it’s to follow two NY cops who have come to pressure a poor blue kid on smack into what they refer to as the ‘MUTANT RELOCATION CENTER IN WESTCHESTER COUNTY’.  Jesus H. Christ.  Symbolism be damned, folks.  This is all related to the Squid Chest Guy by the Blue Guy, who after his tale, shoots up and goes to bed.  How quaint.  Apparently, Val’s back for more Nazi-like edicts as she announces permanent structures will be built at the Westchester Happy Camp.  Now, we’ve all thought of this by now, I’m sure but how many students were there at Xavier’s before again?  Someone did the math, I know it…   She also continues to announce, out loud, in front of (around) 198 angry mutants with their powers intact, that they can finally leave the compound BUT FIRST have to have a electronic tag placed under their skin.  It had to happen eventually, but one of the crow takes note of all this rather Gestapo and I’d never thought I’d say this but GO ERG!!  He stands up!  He notes how much BS this whole situation is!  And then… goes and gets the tag implant.  Nice. This tag, we find out, also can cause shocks to the system as a means of controlling behavior. Double nice.  Also, the guy with the squid stomach can also do voodoo on his little miniatures.  This is all going the wrong direction, folks.

Sensational Spider-Man #24

AUGH!  MY EYES!  THAT COVER!  Jesus, Spidey, tone down the ‘Roids.  Ok, now I’ll be honest:  the idea behind the story is not that bad.  All of Spidey’s animal villains are on the fritz and going feral.  That I can get into.  It’s the poor characterization, the Spawn art, the bad banter and the plot holes I can live without.  We start out with a ‘Spider Sense on the fritz’, which has to be a fine use of all the powers they’ve been throwing the guy recently. Spidey fights the Lizard and his son (similar circumstances I suppose), gets to the roof to find BC and then BC and Lizard fight.  Did I miss the Black Cat getting claws? And Medina’s been wanting to draw BC in the rain FOREVER. ‘I like a nice piece of tail as much as the next girl.  Can I have another?’  This kind of banter I can do without. Meanwhile, MJ is trying to stall a visiting John Jameson and Aunt May invites the poor boy up anyway.   ‘Was that bad, dear?  Are you angry?’, she asks, suddenly senile.  As MJ can’t put her finger on what’s giving her the creeps, they find out that they are alone in this part of the building (convenient no save from Super HQ) and ‘little Johnny Jameson’ is strangling a drunken bellhop.  BC pushes Lizard off the roof, Lizard retreats and they find out someone shot the Lizard Jr. and he’s reverted back to being a little boy.  Sad and messy.

Sentinel Squad O.N.E. #3

Is is sad to be rooting for the telekinetic dinosaurs?  After last issue’s disaster, Sentinel Squad O.N.E. gets dressed down by Val Cooper (really, what happened to this woman?), some reassignments are made that don’t much matter in the long run as they get their new CO (as stereotypical as it can get) then have to go the Savage Land to rescue the last squad that went down there (with Rhodey) and figure what the Mutates are up to.  *whew*  Finding a settlement of engineered dinos, they run at it like a brick wall and everyone dies.  But the main characters, of course.  The secret mutant Lexington (who’s also a very generic mutant having something to do with electricity) takes charge and calls for a retreat.  The stereotype commander is dead by his own foolishness and now it’s up to the survivors to actually THINK instead of run into things.  I might wind up liking this group just because they seem unkillable.  And hey, telekinetic dinosaurs.

Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four #10

God I hope that Marvel’s jerking me around on this Dead Sue thing.  That’s such a bad idea as evidenced by the fun and flair of the Marvel Adventures stories.  If everyone read these books, they could see how easy it is to write the First Family.  Fun, light hearted, intelligent, full of action and wonder.  The Fantastic Four buy Vibranium that happens to have been poached and this issue’s guest star, the Black Panther comes in to kick the ass of he who bought it.  Misunderstanding battle happens, the FF investigate (and get to a BEAUTIFUL bad cop/good cop with Storm and Thing) and go to Wakanda to explain themselves.  Another nifty misunderstanding fight, full of jungle traps and simple danger, that’s eventually resolved.  We get a tour of awesome Wakanda, Thing wears a funny hat, then the bad guys show up to be thoroughly trounced by the good guys.  Victor is declared and the ewoks dance.  I’m really finding myself sold on these books.

4 First Family #1

Ok, more Dark FF.  It’s the ‘just after accident’ stage when everyone is shuffled off into containment (think the movie) where Johnny put on ice, Sue’s checking in on everyone invisibly, the Thing is put  through the usual rejection and anger phase and Reed stares out at the world in a little bit of a fugue state.  Turns out the fugue state is inhabited by some Franz Stahl guy and a lot of fairly vague questions are asked about what exactly happened to the lot of them.  One guy mentioned earlier who was also irradiated has a fit, breaks out and it looks like the Four get to do their thing.  It’s a bit ‘enh’, the art’s pretty thick and moody which fits the kind of realism they’re trying to get at.  Not enough going on to really make a judgment just yet, let’s see issue two and find out what their point is.

Son of M #4

And Pietro introduces huffing to the Ex-Mutants as well as his daughter.  This book continues to be watching one sad little man’s train wreck and, though the time jumping thing’s a little easier after this issue, it still leaves things unsettled.  Luna huffs, gets powers, they go to Genosha where Callisto gets to wax philosophical about her lost abilities, they have her huff and she gets them back with a peculiar price and everyone says Pietro’s name a lot.  Crystal does not come off as a nice person, Medusa and BB seem rather reasonable despite the huge obvious signs that Pietro’s doing wrong.  I’m going to keep reading it, looking for the pony in the pile.

the Pulse #14

the finale.  Back to what Bendis does best, dialogue, irony and grit.  And reminding me what it is that made me like this book so much when it first hit the shelves.  The humanizing of superpeople, the idea behind the mask, the person inside all this incredibleness.  If that makes sense.  Jessica relates the tale of how ‘Mommy met Daddy’ and no, it wasn’t at a bar.  It was taking down the Owl (‘if there’s an animal, there’s some guy who wants to be called that’) where Jessica and Heroes for Hire first meet.  They convince her to stay for the clean up an they find two kids left by one of the villains.  Jessica takes off her mask in front of the cops to keep them from having to spend a night at the precinct alone and scared.  Luke Cage, struck by this humanity, goes to see her afterwards and bandages up a wound and lets her fall asleep on the couch.  It’s humanizing, but not trivial.  The little things show up how much these characters are like us and how much we can live in their world.  Or already do.  A quintessential Marvel book and I’m sad to see it go.

Thunderbolts #100

Really?  Where have I been?  Boy is it hefty.  It’s got the main story in the front and what looks like reprint backups to pad it out for the special #100.  Mind you, I haven’t been reading this and opening it up, it seems like I missed a LOT.  But the basic story is that Zemo wants to destroy Captain Marvel (the Genis model, working under a new codename) because he’s going to destroy the universe.  Those of you who read the Captain Marvel series know this is nothing new.  Zemo’s Thunderbolts fight Songbird’s Thunderbolts and eventually Genis is cheesed out of existence by scattering him through the Darkforce.  Songbird spends a moment to mope at his grave until Zemo locks lips with her and they convince themselves they did the right thing.  Very splashy, full of fight by name battles (‘I’ll get you, *Name of Character Here*!’  “You’re going down, *Other Name*!’), a bit heavy handed, but I can’t say it’s a bad issue.

Batman and the Monster Men #5

I wish all Batman books could be like this.  I think what gets me right there is the fact it reminds me so much of the Batman cartoons, the Dini ones, with their black backgrounds and noir-o-vision.  The plot isn’t complicated, you can see it a mile away but it’s the mood and the tone that really make a good Batman book.  Hugo Strange’s diabolical plans come to fruition, Commissioner Gordon is hassled about how he knows to contact ‘the Bat-Man’ (and yes, ‘Joseph Loeb’ is reference as a character) and Bruce Wayne’s girlfriend’s dad finally puts his drunken foot in it with the mob.  She goes to Bruce Wayne for help and what does he do.  That’s right: slips something into her water and she’s out like a light.  That’s my Bruce.  But the Detective’s mind is at work and he’ll pull all this story together in the end.

Wildcats: Nemesis #7

I get the feeling that DC’s Preview Books are just books that aren’t selling as well that they don’t want to promote.  That could be just me.  Anyways, the Wildcats team (do they capitalize the CATS anymore?) is still following around this Nemesis chick and she’s still having uninked flashbacks to all the cool stuff she did in the past.  There’s a nice Wildstorm history lesson at the front which reminds everyone why there are superhumans in the universe and the secret alien war that started everything, but other than that, the writing falls flat when it comes to the main character.  I thought the Bad Girl era of books was over, but from the overly vampy nature, to the killing a bunch of people in the most provocative gown she can, laughing at the tough guy characters and being the center of an already established team, she’s just not doing it for me.  You know what is, though?  Taking the entire population of New Jersey and making a Mutate Army out of them.

Firestorm #23

It’s One Year Later time!  Do not adjust your comic books, no one knows what’s going on these days and that’s kind of a unifying fact.  DC leaves us to hunt for clues in changes through all their books, so we start with Jason Rusch showing up at the center of an accidental blast from one of the most ridiculous bombs I’ve ever heard of.  A giant nuclear warhead that spawns a whole bunch of other little nuclear warheads.  Tell me we don’t need one of those.  It was supposed to be a test, but something went wrong and now it’s Firestorm to the rescue.  Senator Lorraine Kelly is not only Firebird, but she’s the new Number Two needed to make Firestorm!  Professor Stein is missing and shady people are kidnapping the new duo!  It’s wacky!  Not much to really say, since this is the start of something, but so far… I can’t complain.  Let’s see where all this One Year Later stuff goes.

Fables #47

Always a treat.  The second part of a two-part story that showcases two Empire puppets, Rodney and June, who want to be come real young men and women so they can marry and express their love.  It’s a traveling tale (and I am such a sucker for those), taking you all the way from Geppetto’s humble cabin in the Enchanted Wood to Fable Town itself, or at least the outskirts.  And let it not be said that this heartwarming fairy tale of love isn’t without that patented Fable darker undertone.  Fables is such a wonderful series of tales, very detailed and intricate.  Call me girly, but this stuff is great.

Tom Strong #36

Whoa.  This is apparently… the last issue.  As evidenced by the end of the world scenario we find ourselves at on page one.  Nicely summarized, Tom Strong was sent off to find a missing runaway who turned out to be Promethea bringing about the end of the world.  We go through the America’s Best Universe, so to speak, see everyone, go to our loved ones and embrace the unknown.  Very Alan Moore and in depth, but I look at how well this one issue was (since I haven’t been following this book either) and think to myself, ‘Man… did House of M suck’.  Not too shabby a tale for the end of a series I didn’t read.

Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi #2

Hyperactive Child Theater presents a Few Minutes Entertainment!  This should go right into the hands of younger kids who are running around the stores pointing at all the anime and telling you which ones they have and which ones they don’t.  Yu-Gi-Oh players and the Batman fans.  You know.  Three short simple stories full of anime-isms with scattered Japanese pop culture terms added for a brief educational experience.

Exterminators #3

….

Aaaand that’s all the time we have!  (Seriously, just the cover of the book turned me off.  Please don’t make me read it.)

Happy Wednesday.

Okay, I’m sick, my computer’s sick and there’s no reviews for last week’s previews. And as I vaccumed to open the store this morning, I thought about how I was going to justify it to myself that I failed in my New Year’s Resolution (which was, to review the Preview Books every week). And then I saw it.

You know, I can give any answer I want. If I complain or even point it out, I can just pull an answer out of nowhere and say I meant to do that all along. In fact, the reviews were there, you just couldn’t read them due to a silicone-based something or other I *always* keep on me.

So there. Are you going to argue with that logic? Especially with Peter and Tony there staring you down? I don’t think so.

Man, I got carry this picture with me everywhere.

Seriously though, new Preview Books in, reviews already on their way.

(and yeah, my scanner’s on the fritz so the image isn’t that great, but… I meant to do that. )

Wow.  I am sick a dog, folks.  Dog sick.  Yik sick.  But no!  I got to work everyday, I do my duty and neither rain, nor cold, nor back pain or unpleasant illness nor misspelling or improper names of creators and the humiliation that follows will keep me from my appointed rounds!  Read on and know that my spell checker kicked out on me and that it is indeed 3am and my head is splitting.  Snap judgments indeed.

Snap Judgments that were…. just lost by my editing program.

This is not my week.  BUT!  Tomorrow morning!  When I am sane and I have thrashed this laptop within an inch of its life and can remove the lower half of my body from the rest of myself, THEN!  Then oh the reviews  you will have.  Everyone’s name will be correct and the spelling will be impeccable and light will shine down from the heavens in awesome comic book enlightenment and the angels will sing and…. oh dear god, I’m exausted.