snap judgments no, really, there are some comics you really should read

The List : Phase One

Okay, in my first post I mentioned that the phrase 'I used to have all these books' should never be spoken in a comic store again unless they are pointing to the books we actually might have bought from them. Otherwise... really. We don't care. I don't go into grocery stores and tell the clerks that I used to eat all the sugar-cereals out there on the shelves when I was a kid. They don't care, we don't care. You won't bond with the employees, you won't gain their respect or adoration, they're just going to look at you like comic shop employees do, so quit it.

There's a lot of these phrases we hear day in and day out that other retail jobs just don't get. It's because we're in a collectable business I suppose. We get to be special. Or maybe it's just the base of customers we pull from, the public idea of the comic book business, or a multitude of other things that still don't excuse telling me about what you used to own and expecting a postive reaction.

In the tradition of George Carlin's Seven Dirty Things You Can't Say on Television, I'm going to try and think of the Seven Entirely Over Heard Things You Shouldn't Tell the Comic Shop Employees. Things that if overheard one more time, we should be able to take you out back for. Now, I'll try to be fair and not pull the 'How much does this clearly labeled toy cost?' or 'What time does Movie X start?' because those can be covered for in other types of employment. I'll do my best to be understanding and not include 'So, what's Spider-Man up to these days?' because one out of 40 is actually interested in what you have to say and not just asking because their wife is next door at the shoe place. Nope, these are the questions and phrases we just shouldn't get but do every single time and there is nearly nothing you can say to counter them.

(no particular order or preceedent, just typing it as it comes)

1) I used to have all these books!
-As said above and I'll say it again. We live in the Now. Unless you still in fact have them now in better condition than we do and are looking to sell them, your previous ownership of anything does not factor into this 'Now'. In fact, there's nothing to say to that. Nothing. You say 'I used to have all these books!' and we say '.... uh. Wow.' That's the best I've been able to come up with while still being polite.

2) My mother threw away all my comics.
-Honestly. Why are you telling us this? it's not going to change anything. In fact, it's why these older books are so much money. So, thank you Mom for creating a collector's market. But that still doesn't change the fact that you don't have them any more and are going to have to pay through the nose to get them back. This is no news to us. We've heard it before. It's cliche. One guy even said, 'I'm sure you hear this all the time, but my mom threw away all my comics!' He was right. We do hear that all the time and yet, he just had to let us know.

3) What's collectable? / How much is this going to be worth?
-FEAR ME! I am MENTALLO fromthe FUTURE and can see years ahead into the collectable market! OooOOOoooOO! This one almost makes me cry. I'm sure the Baby Jesus does. Because it shows a total lack of interest in the actual book itself, all the story and art is nothing to the idea that this schmoe wants to retire on an issue of Spider-Man. God, that's sad. There is really no way to know what's going to be worth something down the line, even with sure bets because you just don't know what the future will bring. Everyone and their mom thought the death of Superman was going to be the one to pay thier kid's college tuitions but then they went out and bought FOUR COPIES and thus, there are more in circulation and they're going to probably stay at about $5-$10. Don't ask me, I don't know. I don't even care anymore about the 'collector's market'. Ask me what comics are good TO READ and then I can help.

4) I remember when comics cost 12-cents!
-Wowie, Mister! Sure hate to burst your bubble here but content and quality have gone up, just like the dollar and so now you're stuck at $2.99. Times have sure changed.

5) Are these too violent?
-You know, you could open up the book and look inside. It's humanly possible for you to judge the content that your child sees. In fact, it's your responcibility. Now, I read the kids books to kind of help out on this but in the end, it's your job. One mom didn't want her son to have a copy of Batman Adventures because it had a picture of a knife and the word 'HATE' on the front cover. The kid was 8, 9 tops. See? I can't make these judgements.

6) *Insert Yours Here*
7) *Insert Yours Here*

Now I'm sure you could make a better list than this so I'll leave the last two blank and see what comes of the comments. Ask your friends, your local shop and yourself and see how utterly unintelligble you can be! I'll put up a full 'definitive-esque' list in a week or so. I'm even sure some of these could be defended by Johnny Cochran. So? What do you think, sirs?

Keep in mind that there are some I didn't put in here out of pity (such as 'How much is my Death of Superman worth these days?', etc.) and I'll probably get to that some time soon as a certain class of customer that should be understood like that Crocodile Guy understands the deadliest snakes in the world. Yes, there are stupid questions and stupid people.